Nine Things You Don't Need to Know About Me

Lately, Facebook has been deluged with a “game” in which participants are tasked with divulging some random number of things about themselves that others might not be aware of. If you click “like” on someone’s list, you get a number assigned and you are supposed to play. I have not participated in the Facebook version of the game, mainly because I don’t have time for such silliness—I’m too busy snooping.

Recently, I saw a list of things posted by someone I knew quite well. There was not a single thing on the list that I knew, prior to reading it, which told me that I really didn’t know this person as well as I thought I did. I felt sort of bad for a minute. But then the feeling passed.  

I got to thinking: How well do we know the people who we think we know? How well do we need to know the people we think we know? The answer is, I don’t know. But just for the sake of absolutely nothing, here is my list of things you may not know about the Surreal Housewife.

Did you know…

1. I can drop five F-bombs in one sentence when I’m looking for my pen that I know I just set down on my desk three seconds ago. (Hint: insert an F-bomb immediately before each noun in the previous sentence. There are five. Yes, “F-bomb” counts as a noun. Insert it. It’s fun.)

2. I can do four hours worth of housework in 20 minutes when my back is up against the wall. And by wall, I mean my aunt, mother or mother-in-law just called to say they are stopping by. I call this the “ax-murder-clean.” I pretend that I am cleaning up after an ax murder and the forensics team is on the way.

3. I once ate an entire sandwich sprinkled with dead ants, which I think perished in the tub of mayo sitting out on the counter of the restaurant where I was working at the time. I was hungry and it was a really good sandwich. I picked them out as I ate. I can pick hair out of my food and keep on eating, too, providing I am at home and not in a restaurant.

4.  I have a minor in Italian Studies and spent a semester living in Italy. Twenty years ago I was fluent in Italian, but now I’m not. It was fun while it lasted. So was Guido.

5. I have worked at more than 30 jobs in my lifetime. I have only been fired once, when I was 20. It was a blessing. No further details available.

6. Occasionally, I tell my children “I’m going upstairs to take a shower” and then instead, I climb into bed for a nap. An hour later, when they see me walk out of my room in my pajamas, they say, “I thought you were going to take a shower?” And then I say, “Oh right, I forgot,” and the cycle continues until I get busted in bed.

7. I failed at being the tooth fairy so many nights in a row once that I finally told my child, “It sometimes takes a week for the tooth fairy to come by. She’s very busy. Keep checking back.”

8. When my kids were really little, I sometimes skipped pages in books when I read to them at bedtime. I had a harder time getting this past one of them. Have you ever had a four year-old give you the squinty-eyed “Are you sure that was an accident” look? It’s unnerving.

9. I am a Real Housewives of ... addict. I recently binge-watched the entire season of Real Housewives of Melbourne in the course of one week and it was awesome. In fact, some of my kids watch them with me and we’ve had many frank conversations about how not to behave. It’s a virtual cornucopia of teaching moments.

And there you have it: Nine things you probably didn’t know about me and are no better off now that you do know. Sorry not sorry.